I hate group outings, so how did I end up hosting events (& now a big party šŸ˜±?!)

xinyi @ don't be strangers
4 min readSep 22, 2023

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from introverted to consistently creating gatherings for others to meet

As I approach the final 24 hours of preparing for the book launch of How to Talk to Anyone for Introverts, Iā€™m fighting the urge not to panic.

Yes, Iā€™m actually an introvert.

And yes, I now regularly host events in Dallas, TX.

I think growing up lonely (which, for me, manifested as an emotional disconnect from my friends ā€” because I had friends, but I felt lonely in their presence) makes you crave a sense of belonging.

I really wanted to feel seen and heard but felt like no one could ever understand me for who I really was.

I became a really deep listener, which led my friends to become vulnerable with me. Meanwhile, I never opened up to them. So, it shouldnā€™t have been a surprise when my college roommate said, ā€œI feel really close to you,ā€ when in actuality, I couldnā€™t reciprocate.

My biggest fear transitioning out of school into ā€œadulthoodā€ was making friends. Without a forced safety net from with consistent schedules and classroom settings, where am I supposed to fulfill my social needs?

Out of desperation, I tried everything. Meetups, Eventbrites, Facebook Events, group fitness classes, and even reaching into the depths of my old connections on Facebook from high school and collegeā€¦ and realized it was a numbers game. The more people I met, the luckier I became with finding someone to connect with.

And yetā€¦ due to my tendency to receive rather than share, I still felt alone.

What if I tried being honest with my friends? What if I complimented that random stranger? I began to ask myself.

And thatā€™s when I realized: I had nothing to lose.

This mindset shift to vulnerability changed everything. As I began to deepen my existing relationships by showing up authentically, I noticed that I was also slowly building my confidence in interacting with absolute strangers. Gradually, I overcame my social anxiety and began to feel like I actually belonged.

ā€” Section One: Introduction and Foundations, How to Talk to Anyone for Introverts

With my newfound confidence, I decided to start helping others to connect with each other!

Iā€™ve always loved learning about the stories of others. Which sparked the beginning of the podcast Donā€™t Be Strangers.

I strongly believe thereā€™s something to be learned from everyone (even if we donā€™t get along with them), and I have yet to see a podcast where anyone (without fancy accolades and titles) could apply to be a guest.

The podcast has been amazing because itā€™s given me so many opportunities to meet interesting, kind, knowledgeable people, and yetā€¦ something was missing. The audience couldnā€™t connect with us (my guest and I), and they certainly werenā€™t connecting with each other!

So that started the pen pals club, which led to online events, which transformed into in-person events. Soon, weā€™ll be doing our first retreat in the spring of 2024.

Honestly, I didnā€™t intend for any of this to happenā€¦ I think I just kept moving forward with the mission ā€” to fight adult loneliness.

Even the book, How to Talk to Anyone for Introverts, was unintentional. I was just exploring a curiosity (to write a book). And somehow the universe gave me the opportunity to host a book launch.

What even happens at a book launch?!

I didnā€™t have the answer, but I accepted the opportunity anyway.

That offer came to me in May of this year. Iā€™ve been planning this party since spring. And I have never hosted a party in my life.

ā€œMaybe you should finally read The Art of Gathering,ā€ my friend Abhas was recommending me this book for maybe the nth time in the last few years.

So I didā€¦ and promptly became overwhelmed by the number of recommendations the author gives for how to elevate your gatherings (as I realized how many things Iā€™ve been doing wrong).

Why canā€™t I live a simple life? One where I donā€™t challenge myself and put myself in stressful situations? Why am I drawn to fear instead of pushed away by it?

Perhaps itā€™s because one of my core beliefs is that growth is on the other side of fear. And probably a more subtle core belief I hold is that growth is the essence of life.

So here we are, with three luggages in my room and sponsored snacks (which was also a new thing I tried learned for this event ā€” cold emailing brands) Iā€™ve had to resist for the past weeks on end.

Iā€™ve printed out the zines from Canva/Fedex (250 copies for ~$115), bought acrylic table stands (~$20), thought through the layout, created a document with a schedule for myself and volunteers, done endless marketing (which is EXHAUSTING, by the way, for introverts ā€” but at the same time, itā€™s been fun to do a little ā€œcontent creation challengeā€ to post consistently) andā€¦ I still need to figure out how Iā€™m going to carry in cases of bottles of Moshi which I didnā€™t realize would be as heavy as they are. Oopsā€¦

Iā€™m never going to host another party in my life. šŸ˜‚ (So I tell myself, anyway.)

Personally, I canā€™t wait for this event to be over so itā€™s no longer hanging over my head!

PS. If youā€™re in Dallas, Iā€™d love to see you tomorrow Saturday 9/23 from 1ā€“3pm.

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xinyi @ don't be strangers
xinyi @ don't be strangers

Written by xinyi @ don't be strangers

musings of a creative chimera + nowhere girlšŸŒ™šŸ‰ āœØ illustrator, videographer, whatev-er. šŸ“ somewhere between knowing & searching (host of @dontbestrangers pod)

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